


Breaking Down the Fourth Wall

by DoctorBane



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 12:21:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7103188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorBane/pseuds/DoctorBane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool decides it's a good idea to insult me.<br/>It isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking Down the Fourth Wall

The man fell over, unconscious. His wife screamed “Somebody ring an ambulance! Does anyone know CPR?”  
“I do!” a voice called from behind her. A man dressed in an uncomfortably skin-tight red and black suit came over. He dropped to his knees, and removed the part of his mask covering his mouth. He started giving the chest compressions. Fifteen compressions, then two lungful’s of air. He kept at it, not pausing even when the man’s ribs broke. After all, if you’re dead, you don’t need your ribs.  
Eventually, the man woke back up, coughing. “Ah, my ribs! What did you do? And why the fuck are you dressed like a Spider-Man reject?” he asked, wincing.  
“First of all, you’re welcome. I just saved your life. Second of all, I’m a mercenary, it’s what I wear. The name’s Deadpool, one word, no hyphen,” he replied proudly. Then he added “Seriously, just one word. Call me a grammar Nazi all you want, word crimes piss me off.”  
“I could give a fuck about grammar-“  
“Er dude, I think you mean you couldn’t give a fuck. Seriously, I have a very large gun, and I don’t want to use it, because I don’t have enough lubricant to get it out.”  
“I don’t care,” the man replied, thinking this was just his luck, some nutjob rescuing him to give him an English lesson. “All I know is, you broke my ribs. Do you know what it’s like to have your ribs broken?”  
“Matter of fact, I do. I once had a time where someone shoved a grenade in my chest cavity, and-”  
“SHUT UP! I’ll see you in court for this. Hope you got a lotta money, guy!” The man rubbed his hands together stereotypically.  
“Woah whoa, you’re suing me? I saved your life, jackass!” Deadpool said, scratching his ass and hoping the gun lodged there wouldn’t go off. It didn’t.  
“You still broke my ribs! That’s assault!”  
“So what, would you have preferred it if I’d left you be?” Deadpool asked.  
“YES!” the man screamed, turning purple.  
“Okay,” Deadpool said, painfully removed his gun, and shot the man. His wife screamed as he fell to the ground.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you, you lunatic?” she shrieked at Deadpool.  
“Don’t blame me, I don’t write this crap,” Deadpool replied nonchalantly.  
Hey, this isn’t crap. This is some of my best work!  
“Oh fuck off, DoctorBane. You’re not even a real author. Hell, you don’t even write slash fic!”  
I told you, I’ll move onto it when I’m ready.  
“You mean when you’re no longer a virgin. That’s right, this author’s a twenty year old virgin who writes non-slash fan fic in his bedroom!” Deadpool jeered.  
Deadpool, I told you that in confidence. You were to never tell anyone that.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that in writing. Or maybe I did, and I fell asleep because it was so boring like everything else you’ve written.” The dead man’s wife, meanwhile, was looking like she was having an existential crisis, or as much of one as you can have when you’ve just realised you’re a five minute old fictional widow who doesn’t even have a name.  
Okay Deadpool, I’m giving you the chance to leave now. No more embarrassment. I don’t want to get angry.  
“Oh dear. Have I pissed off the “author?” What are you going to do about it, huh? What? Wh- Umpth!” The reason for Deadpool’s “Umpth!” was that his mouth had just disappeared. He started trying to throw muffled curses, but when he realised he couldn’t, instead settled on killing everyone in the immediate vicinity.

That’ll teach him. Not the Merc with a Mouth anymore, are you?

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this, because I am now weeping inconsolably in a corner.


End file.
